My new monthly magazine spoof 'DRAGAZINE'

The Great Mascara Swindle

Hands up all those girls or boys who have ever bought one of those new fangled miracle 'FALSE' lash effect mascaras that have recently landed at your local Super drug.... Mmmmm thought so, thats quite a lot of you.
Hands up all those that were slightly disappointed that the latest new fangled 'FALSE' lash effect mascara that you recently purchased, didn't fooking work....Mmmm once again thats nearly all of you!
Why is it? do you think that in all those gloriously stylish adverts,that the gorgeous model applying this life changing product with a revolutionary NASA designed ultra thickening,super lengthening non clogging techno wonder wand looks like she is wearing false eyelashes? Ummm because she fooking is, thats why!
Where the hell are the mascara police?
Thats what I want to know,surely it is illegal somewhere along the line to blatantly lie on the television,I mean showing us these women with teeny tiny little lashes in one shot which amazingly turn into Lily Savage style drag queen fluttering specimens with only one sweep of the wonder wand in the next, must be against the law, thats like saying that 70 odd year old Jayne Fonda looks the way she does because she smears her face with creme, and has absolutely nothing to do with the fact that she has spent hundreds of thousands of dollars on cosmetic surgery since the early eighties... oh hang on a minute thats exactly what they do say.

Spring is in the air...or is that Fabreeze I can smell ?

The sun is out the sky is blue and spring seems to be well and truly here... Many people look for the signs of spring in nature, it could be the daffodils gently bobbing their pretty yellow bonnets or maybe it's the lush green grass starting to grow after it's winter repast that gives you a sign, or perhaps it's the evenings taking slightly longer to settle in, making the day just that little bit longer that lets you know .

There are however many other ways to spot that the seasons are a changing ...

Here on the wrong side of the tracks it is much more likely to be the forty year old geezer strolling down the road with his freshly shaved head, clutching a can of Tennants Super, who has casually slipped into his three quarter length cargo pants that luckily just happen to reveal his slightly dodgy tattoo of a serpent curling protectively around a Union Jack... which also looks particularly effective due to the goose pimples covering his legs, because it is still only 4 degrees centigrade that gives you a clue, or equally, it could be the pounding melodies of the latest gansta rap album, that the fifteen year old tenant of the new one bedroom flats that have just been built three streets away has just acquired, softly drifting through his broken window that tells you winter is taking it's final bow.

Whatever it is that lets you know the weather is going to get warmer, be it the starlings preparing their nests for the chicks that are on their way, or even the teenage thugs tentatively lowering their hoods that does it, you must agree it can't help but put a smile on your face and a spring in your step.

Who am I talking to Jordan or Katie Price? Who f**king cares...

What ever happened to talent? Having just watched Jordan/Katie Price interviewed by that pompous twit called Piers Morgan in a hard hitting one on one chat show thing, the thought suddenly occurred to me... what does this heavily made up hard faced middle aged woman actually do?

Don't worry it didn't take long for her to proudly if not a bit smugly reel off her list of talents for me, apparently she can sing, write books and last but by no means least bare her false breasts, which has led large companies to put her name on various products including a clothing line, a range of duvet covers and some sort of make-up 'heavy make-up I guess'... oh and I almost forgot she is also very good at selling stories about her celebrity private life to any magazine that will pay for them.

My question is; why on earth is anybody interested in this rather course woman? Who talks candidly about how she has never had a one night stand in one breath and then about giving Peter Andre a blow job in a toilet in the next? Her words not mine, and all this said through Dulux non-drip gloss coated teeth in front of her live in nanny/mother, without a sniff of hypocrisy.
Now as for the first claim that she can sing... I have heard her dulcet tones and can categorically say this is not true, as various failed attempts at a pop career have proven.
Secondly I doubt that she once put pen to paper to produce any of the books that bare her name! It is widely rumored that ghost writers were given this exciting task.
That only leaves baring her fake breasts as an actual talent that she can perform with any skill... So why do these large companies want to put her name on a duvet cover? Why would anyone want to wear a boob tube that somebody else designed then gave the dubious glory that goes with designing a boob tube to Jordan/Katie Price? It is all beyond me.
I can understand someone wanting to own a George Michael lavatory set or maybe a pair of David Beckham Y-Fronts after all George can sing and old golden balls is quite good at playing football I believe.
But I don't see why people these days are so prepared to spend their hard earned cash on this ex glamor models stuff and in the process make a very ordinary and frankly in my opinion rather fake insincere woman very very rich, and all for not much in return, at least when she got her kit off perhaps a little light relief was worth paying for. But surely a Jordan/Katie Price scented candle for seven quid isn't gonna float anyones boat, is it ?

I suppose I just found it very difficult to stomach watching this woman sitting on television dripping with hideous pimp my fingers style diamond rings, caked in tango flavored foundation with Joan Crawford eyebrows and false eyelashes that even Priscilla star Jason Donovan would have thought were just a tad too long, talking absolute bullshit, contradicting herself endlessly and trying her hardest to appear sincere but failing... so i did the only thing I could I turned the silly bitch OFF!!!

Asda 'The missing Turkey'

I pat my back pocket jauntily... only I'm not appreciating the amount of change I've got left from my shopping bill, no! I am just checking that my GUN is still there... as it may come in handy if I ever meet the Indian lady that I spoke too yesterday when my mums Xmas shopping arrived from asda minus the Turkey!
'When did you notice this item was missing' she said suspiciously,
'When I went to pluck it' I replied,
She didn't seem to see the funny side of this for some reason and abruptly informed me that they would not deliver another one but could only refund the money!
This is when my sense of humour started to lag.
Are you telling me that you are going to leave an elderly housebound couple without a turkey this Xmas? I lied,
Yes I am, was her tart reply,
Now is where my sense of humour transformed into panto type bitch biting sarcasm and I suddenly worked for the BBC (another small lie... )
May I speak to your supervisor? NOW! although an interpreter might be more help.
After 20 mins of Rudolf the red nose reindeer she returned to inform me he was unavailable, Probably f**king frozen turkeys out the back!
Right this is where the revenge took place.
Whilst you have been away looking for you supervisor for twenty minutes I checked the rest of my shopping just to make sure there was nothing else missing and low and behold 28 other items had mysteriously disappeared, the money refunded.
Thank you very much for your help young lady and a Merry Xmas to you all at asda.
'B**STARDS'

Or just turn off the cameras and leave them there!

ITV's annual trip to the Australian jungle is nearly over, thank god!
Ant & Dec once again dusted off their varied collection of cotton jackets that all seem just a tad too tight and stretched them over their ever expanding bellies to present this years antipodean survival reality show.

As usual we have been delighted with an actual who's who of so called famous people desperately trying to revive a long distant career or in some cases, get one in the first place!

Who the hell is Nicola Mclean?
A page three girl I hear you scream... well excuse me but as I wouldn't use the sun to wipe my arse with let alone read it, how the hell am I supposed to know who this cocky talentless little Jordan wannabe is ? I actually had to google her to find out what she did.

The rest of the contestants ranged from failed pop stars to out of work soap actors all priding themselves on their ability to act "REAL". The fun has been non stop as this gaggle of attention seeking sudo celebrities have munched their way through creepy crawlies and been dangled by industrial strength bungee cords over ponds filled with teeny tiny baby crocodiles that have their mouths taped together (is the RSPCA watching do you think?) all for our entertainment.

I have a great idea on how to improve this show in the future, why not gather together the usual bunch of desperados ship them all over to the so called jungle and just f**king leave them there!!!

Christmas is coming... to get you!

Mmmm ... you can almost smell the turkeys,
As they run round the shops like headless chickens! Impatiently standing in Argos waiting to pay for those must have gadgets that their little angels with their hoodie shaped halo's... simply can't live without, and Iceland is like a sparkling winter wonderland full of rather large ladies in velvet tracksuits all scrambling for a pack of those mini chicken, sticky bacon wrapped party thingies ,that taste like fish and only cost a pound, which the slightly drunk gorgeous fat girl in the add tells us are soooo delicious! (by the way get well soon Kerry).

The twinkling snowflake shaped plastic fairy lights that have been left stuck to the window since last year are well and truly on and you can hardly notice the bulbs that have gone at all, oh that reminds me I must put another fiver on the electric key.

Who knew there were so many minor celebrities with their own perfumes? I must try Katie Price's 'Greed' by lenthric this year, and the list of half price books at WHSmiths is endless there's so much choice, I fancy Fern Britton's 'How to eat your own fat suit' it sounds marvellous...




Well after all is said and done its a lovely time of the year and just think there are still the January sales that start on the 26th of December to look forward to! But if per chance you are feeling sad and lonely this year you can always get a 72 pack of Stella Artois at asda for £2.90 and drown your sorrows...

Merry Christmas Everyone xxx