Asda 'The missing Turkey'

I pat my back pocket jauntily... only I'm not appreciating the amount of change I've got left from my shopping bill, no! I am just checking that my GUN is still there... as it may come in handy if I ever meet the Indian lady that I spoke too yesterday when my mums Xmas shopping arrived from asda minus the Turkey!
'When did you notice this item was missing' she said suspiciously,
'When I went to pluck it' I replied,
She didn't seem to see the funny side of this for some reason and abruptly informed me that they would not deliver another one but could only refund the money!
This is when my sense of humour started to lag.
Are you telling me that you are going to leave an elderly housebound couple without a turkey this Xmas? I lied,
Yes I am, was her tart reply,
Now is where my sense of humour transformed into panto type bitch biting sarcasm and I suddenly worked for the BBC (another small lie... )
May I speak to your supervisor? NOW! although an interpreter might be more help.
After 20 mins of Rudolf the red nose reindeer she returned to inform me he was unavailable, Probably f**king frozen turkeys out the back!
Right this is where the revenge took place.
Whilst you have been away looking for you supervisor for twenty minutes I checked the rest of my shopping just to make sure there was nothing else missing and low and behold 28 other items had mysteriously disappeared, the money refunded.
Thank you very much for your help young lady and a Merry Xmas to you all at asda.
'B**STARDS'

Or just turn off the cameras and leave them there!

ITV's annual trip to the Australian jungle is nearly over, thank god!
Ant & Dec once again dusted off their varied collection of cotton jackets that all seem just a tad too tight and stretched them over their ever expanding bellies to present this years antipodean survival reality show.

As usual we have been delighted with an actual who's who of so called famous people desperately trying to revive a long distant career or in some cases, get one in the first place!

Who the hell is Nicola Mclean?
A page three girl I hear you scream... well excuse me but as I wouldn't use the sun to wipe my arse with let alone read it, how the hell am I supposed to know who this cocky talentless little Jordan wannabe is ? I actually had to google her to find out what she did.

The rest of the contestants ranged from failed pop stars to out of work soap actors all priding themselves on their ability to act "REAL". The fun has been non stop as this gaggle of attention seeking sudo celebrities have munched their way through creepy crawlies and been dangled by industrial strength bungee cords over ponds filled with teeny tiny baby crocodiles that have their mouths taped together (is the RSPCA watching do you think?) all for our entertainment.

I have a great idea on how to improve this show in the future, why not gather together the usual bunch of desperados ship them all over to the so called jungle and just f**king leave them there!!!

Christmas is coming... to get you!

Mmmm ... you can almost smell the turkeys,
As they run round the shops like headless chickens! Impatiently standing in Argos waiting to pay for those must have gadgets that their little angels with their hoodie shaped halo's... simply can't live without, and Iceland is like a sparkling winter wonderland full of rather large ladies in velvet tracksuits all scrambling for a pack of those mini chicken, sticky bacon wrapped party thingies ,that taste like fish and only cost a pound, which the slightly drunk gorgeous fat girl in the add tells us are soooo delicious! (by the way get well soon Kerry).

The twinkling snowflake shaped plastic fairy lights that have been left stuck to the window since last year are well and truly on and you can hardly notice the bulbs that have gone at all, oh that reminds me I must put another fiver on the electric key.

Who knew there were so many minor celebrities with their own perfumes? I must try Katie Price's 'Greed' by lenthric this year, and the list of half price books at WHSmiths is endless there's so much choice, I fancy Fern Britton's 'How to eat your own fat suit' it sounds marvellous...




Well after all is said and done its a lovely time of the year and just think there are still the January sales that start on the 26th of December to look forward to! But if per chance you are feeling sad and lonely this year you can always get a 72 pack of Stella Artois at asda for £2.90 and drown your sorrows...

Merry Christmas Everyone xxx

Goodbyes...

Nicola left today...

It was sad and the flat felt so empty (tidy but empty). It was great to see her after nearly five years even though it made me feel a little old, she is now a beautiful talented young woman.

Good fun was had by all with such delights as a trip to watford where we dined out on the best Macdonalds has to offer! then there was the 'wig' incedent and of course alfie's gorgeous farts which Nicola especially loved !!

It was great to see her and I will miss her much.

The great outdoors

Two years ago I moved into a new flat and for the first time I had a garden of my very own. I couldn't wait to slip into a pair of designer wellies and get down and dirty with mother nature.

A veritable blank canvas stood before me, with nothing but an ill kept lawn and some overgrown weeds and brambles to indicate that it was in fact a garden at all . The first job was to get rid of all these unwanted offenders so that I could see exactly what I had to work with, now to say that this was a little bit harder than I'd first imagined would be an understatement. Who new what hard work gardening was? Not me that's for sure. I won't even go into the dangers that are also involved in this hobby, the incident with the secateurs is still fresh in my mind.





Sadly I didn't think to take any photos at the beginning of this project, which is a damn shame as it would have been good to have some 'before shots' followed by the spectacular reveal at the end, making this post as exciting as any TV make-over show, aah well such is life I will just have to cut straight to the spectacular result pics 'ha ha'.
As you can see in the pictures I decided to get rid of the lawn and replace it with gavel, I didn't do this right away however, but after months of manicuring the grass every week the novelty soon wore off and I ripped it up with glee. I find that the gravel is much better as not only does it stop the tedious lawn mowing but it also gives the garden more of a contemporary courtyard look which is what I was after.


The seating area was simply created with some paving slabs that I salvaged from a skip believe it or not, and yes I did have the cheek to knock on the front door and ask if I could have them, my philosophy is 'if you don't ask you don't get', the kind lady even put them in her car and drove them to my house...

I used a different colour granite chipping to fill in between the slabs, just to define the area.
You may by now have realised that it is quite a small garden and although it would have been nice to have a slightly bigger one, like a lot of things in life you sometimes just have to be grateful for what you've got...
That's all for this edition of 'The Great Outdoors' next time we will be taking a look at some other things I've done in the garden, don't miss it!

Alfred the Great

Alfie is an 8 month old Staffordshire bull terrier cross and is probably the greatest dog that ever lived... not only is he exceedingly handsome but he's also very very smart, already he can read, write and tell the time.
How is this possible? I hear you ask, well believe me it is absolutely true. He can read the label on his food packet, he knows exactly when it is dinner time and he can also leave you a message in the shape of a little puddle...
Alfred appeared in my life in june and made an immediate impact, I won't pretend it has all been plain sailing, in fact the first two weeks were very stressfull, but here we are 5 months down the line and I couldn't imagine life without him. Stay tuned for updates on the development of the canine genius that is 'Alfred the great'.

Photography

This picture is one of the first shots I have taken with a decent camera, I have been interested in photography for a long time but never had the chance to use a good camera. I am definately going to save up for one of my own.