Asda 'The missing Turkey'

I pat my back pocket jauntily... only I'm not appreciating the amount of change I've got left from my shopping bill, no! I am just checking that my GUN is still there... as it may come in handy if I ever meet the Indian lady that I spoke too yesterday when my mums Xmas shopping arrived from asda minus the Turkey!
'When did you notice this item was missing' she said suspiciously,
'When I went to pluck it' I replied,
She didn't seem to see the funny side of this for some reason and abruptly informed me that they would not deliver another one but could only refund the money!
This is when my sense of humour started to lag.
Are you telling me that you are going to leave an elderly housebound couple without a turkey this Xmas? I lied,
Yes I am, was her tart reply,
Now is where my sense of humour transformed into panto type bitch biting sarcasm and I suddenly worked for the BBC (another small lie... )
May I speak to your supervisor? NOW! although an interpreter might be more help.
After 20 mins of Rudolf the red nose reindeer she returned to inform me he was unavailable, Probably f**king frozen turkeys out the back!
Right this is where the revenge took place.
Whilst you have been away looking for you supervisor for twenty minutes I checked the rest of my shopping just to make sure there was nothing else missing and low and behold 28 other items had mysteriously disappeared, the money refunded.
Thank you very much for your help young lady and a Merry Xmas to you all at asda.
'B**STARDS'

Or just turn off the cameras and leave them there!

ITV's annual trip to the Australian jungle is nearly over, thank god!
Ant & Dec once again dusted off their varied collection of cotton jackets that all seem just a tad too tight and stretched them over their ever expanding bellies to present this years antipodean survival reality show.

As usual we have been delighted with an actual who's who of so called famous people desperately trying to revive a long distant career or in some cases, get one in the first place!

Who the hell is Nicola Mclean?
A page three girl I hear you scream... well excuse me but as I wouldn't use the sun to wipe my arse with let alone read it, how the hell am I supposed to know who this cocky talentless little Jordan wannabe is ? I actually had to google her to find out what she did.

The rest of the contestants ranged from failed pop stars to out of work soap actors all priding themselves on their ability to act "REAL". The fun has been non stop as this gaggle of attention seeking sudo celebrities have munched their way through creepy crawlies and been dangled by industrial strength bungee cords over ponds filled with teeny tiny baby crocodiles that have their mouths taped together (is the RSPCA watching do you think?) all for our entertainment.

I have a great idea on how to improve this show in the future, why not gather together the usual bunch of desperados ship them all over to the so called jungle and just f**king leave them there!!!

Christmas is coming... to get you!

Mmmm ... you can almost smell the turkeys,
As they run round the shops like headless chickens! Impatiently standing in Argos waiting to pay for those must have gadgets that their little angels with their hoodie shaped halo's... simply can't live without, and Iceland is like a sparkling winter wonderland full of rather large ladies in velvet tracksuits all scrambling for a pack of those mini chicken, sticky bacon wrapped party thingies ,that taste like fish and only cost a pound, which the slightly drunk gorgeous fat girl in the add tells us are soooo delicious! (by the way get well soon Kerry).

The twinkling snowflake shaped plastic fairy lights that have been left stuck to the window since last year are well and truly on and you can hardly notice the bulbs that have gone at all, oh that reminds me I must put another fiver on the electric key.

Who knew there were so many minor celebrities with their own perfumes? I must try Katie Price's 'Greed' by lenthric this year, and the list of half price books at WHSmiths is endless there's so much choice, I fancy Fern Britton's 'How to eat your own fat suit' it sounds marvellous...




Well after all is said and done its a lovely time of the year and just think there are still the January sales that start on the 26th of December to look forward to! But if per chance you are feeling sad and lonely this year you can always get a 72 pack of Stella Artois at asda for £2.90 and drown your sorrows...

Merry Christmas Everyone xxx

Goodbyes...

Nicola left today...

It was sad and the flat felt so empty (tidy but empty). It was great to see her after nearly five years even though it made me feel a little old, she is now a beautiful talented young woman.

Good fun was had by all with such delights as a trip to watford where we dined out on the best Macdonalds has to offer! then there was the 'wig' incedent and of course alfie's gorgeous farts which Nicola especially loved !!

It was great to see her and I will miss her much.